Alone vs Lonely
I remember going to mass as a kid and into adulthood, and making sure that I went to a mass that was given by Fr. Jim Mifsud. I have had the great honor of being influenced spiritually over many years by Fr. Jim and by Fr. Brendan McGuire, who is Pastor at St. Simon’s Parish in Los Altos, California, and who’s sermons I still listen to on his podcast.
The section of the mass just after the Professional of Faith is called the Intercessions. During the Intercessions, we pray for the list of the mass intentions. These are several prayers that are offered by the church and the community. They are usually read by a lector, but at some masses, the attendees are asked to add to the list of prayers themselves. At the church I grew up in in San Jose, California, Fr. Jim always took the time to pray for “the lonely, the sick, and the dying.” The lonely group always confused me. I get the sick group and the dying group, but lonely? If you’re lonely, just call some friends or your family, or go do something. I didn’t know what lonely meant back then, but I do now. In fact, I came up with the following Tom-ism to define the hell of loneliness:
TOM-ISM: “Death is not the opposite of life. Loneliness is.”
Death is the end of a life on Earth, but living a life of loneliness is not life. People who suffer from loneliness experience a little death every day.
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone means that you just happen to be by yourself at any given time, or you choose to take time to yourself. Being lonely is different. Loneliness is a condition where you are by yourself, but don’t want to be. It is a condition where it seems like no one else in the world sees you, hears you, or cares about you. It seems that you don’t matter to anyone. Even if that isn’t actually the case, it is a strong perception that quickly becomes a reality to that person. Loneliness can lead to mental illness or depression, and it can be very difficult to get out of once you get stuck. Loneliness is quicksand!
Loneliness is something that many people, including me, struggle with from time to time. Many people are good at covering up their loneliness. The great comedian, Robin Williams, is an example of this. People suffering from loneliness can be good at covering it up by putting on a happy face in public. This is why I frequently encourage and remind you to reach out to friends, family, and others who are alone on special occasions or holidays, or even every day, to let them know that you thought of them, and that they matter. Sometimes, just knowing that someone cared enough to check on them is all they need to get through the day.
Loneliness is indeed quicksand. Like I’ve discussed in previous episodes, the best way to get out of quicksand is to find your Trees of Joy and Anchors of Hope. If you find yourself in a loneliness spiral, take action! Deflect and redirect your thoughts to something positive. Get out of your house! Take a walk! Walk the dog. Call a friend on the phone while you take that walk. Get yourself in a different environment. And if the spiral continues, seek out professional help. Get yourself to an urgent care clinic, or an emergency room, or dial 9-8-8 for the mental health hotline.
Grief can compound loneliness whether that grief is from the loss of a relationship, a divorce, or worse yet, a death. Community is important when dealing with this loss. Leverage your inner circles of personal relationships for companionship, support and reassurance.
Loneliness can lead to desperation. And desperation can lead to bad decisions like addiction, substance abuse, spending too much money on retail therapy, or clinging on to a relationship, however bad, in order to have some sort of human interaction.
The best thing that you can do in life, whether you are lonely or not, is to get to know yourself. Look inward. Count your blessings. Make a list of the things that you like best about yourself. Look at your list of Trees of Joy and Anchors of Hope. Take positive action towards those things. Invest in you! Become the best version of you that you can.
Being alone is different from being lonely. Being alone is time for yourself. Time invested in growing who you are, or in self-care. Loneliness is more of a form of depression. If you hear yourself asking questions or making statements like:
Why am I always alone?
Why doesn’t anybody like me?
Why won’t anyone listen to me?
I can’t do that.
I wish I had her life.
I don’t belong here.
God, I’m OK if you just take me now.
It’s time to seek some professional help to correct that thinking. You do belong here. You have gifts to share with the world that the world needs. You may never see or know the results of sharing your gifts, but trust me, you are touching lives in a positive way.
And to focus specifically on the “God, I’m OK if you just take me now” line, please let Him decide that timing. I’ve had friends recently say this to me and while I understand it because I think we have all had bad enough days where this sentiment may enter our minds, take positive action to deflect your mind from these thoughts! Take a walk. Better yet, walk your dog. Call a friend. If you can’t reach a friend, call a mental health professional or suicide hotline. As my friends at the Matthew Silverman Memorial Foundation say, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
Sometimes, it is obvious to see when someone is struggling, but many times they hide it well. Look at Robin Williams. Would you have ever guessed that someone who had so much energy, and brought joy to so many would be struggling with depression and end up taking their own life? Reach out to those in your life who you haven’t heard from in a while. Check on them to make sure they are okay. Invite them out for a coffee or lunch. Let them know you are thinking about them and that they matter.
Loneliness is a feeling of not belonging. It is born out of a perceived lack of purpose. Once you identify your why (or multiple ‘whys’) you can turn your loneliness to action. And with that action will come some level of interaction, whether positive or negative, with others. Once you take the decision to no longer wallow in your loneliness, but to act on your purpose, you will change the world or create a world where you feel a stronger belonging, even if you take the action all on your own!
Don’t get me wrong. I love spending time by myself. I think we all do. That said, we all have times where we feel invisible in the world. Invisible to our bosses. Invisible to our friends. And even invisible to our families. But is that the true nature of things, or a world that we help create with our thoughts and actions or lack of action. Is our loneliness a reality, or something we talk ourselves into? Is our loneliness tied to unrealistic expectations? Are we lonely because we can’t have what we want, or that the person we texted or invited out hasn’t responded in our expected timeframe? What makes you feel lonely? It is important to understand that feeling and what leads to that feeling to be able to deal with it in a healthy way.
A Bloomburg article in August of 2022 said that “’sad’ is the most searched word by teenage Gen Z listeners on Spotify.”
According to a recent study published by the Indiana University School of Medicine’s Institute of Aging:
40 percent of British adults go without a daily conversation.
60 percent of people aged 18 – 24 are “lonely.”
Loneliness is considered to be worse for health than obesity, alcohol, or smoking 15 cigarettes.
So, based on these statistics, loneliness is a real problem in society. How many of these people have experienced suicidal ideation? How many of you reading this have experienced that at some point in your lifetime?
I’ll admit it. Loneliness is something I’ve struggled with in my life over the years, and something that still comes up from time to time. But I’ve found ways to deal with it in a positive way when I feel it coming along, and I’ve learned where I actually contribute to it. Maybe I feel it because I’m a pretty private person. Maybe too private. Maybe too selective. I don’t like crowds, but I’ll go to Disneyland and I’ll go to sporting events, and sometimes I go to these places alone! I was joking with my daughter the other day and told her that “I try to get out and meet new people, but it’s always too crowded.”
If you start to feel lonely, it is important to deflect that feeling immediately before you start to sink in the emotional quicksand. It is always important to remind yourself that YOU MATTER! We all matter! And we matter more to other people than we think or know. People are busy. People have many priorities in life, especially if they have kids. The fact that they are busy doesn’t mean than you’re not important to them.
How should someone deal with loneliness? Each person will be unique in how they cope. I would strongly suggest that you consult a counselor or therapist for tips on how to deal with your unique situation and feelings. I am not a professional therapist or a medical doctor, but for me, I deal with it in various ways.
First of all, if you are looking to plan something and want to invite someone along, it is important to have the perspective that you are extending an invitation, and it is not an obligation on the other party. If I ask someone to join me in doing something, it is because I enjoy their company, I want to get to know them better, or I know that this activity is something that they might like to attend. That said, if they decline, I don’t let it stop me from going, even if I go alone. Life is too short to miss out on doing things that are important to you!
Some say if you are able to eat a meal in a restaurant by yourself or go to a movie by yourself that it demonstrates mental strength. I’ve spent many a night eating alone while on business trips. Sometimes these business trips were to foreign countries. My colleagues in Europe were always kind enough to offer to join me for dinner, but I knew they had spouses and families, so I would either grab a quick drink with them, or meet them in the morning for coffee or breakfast instead, which was more convenient for them and would not take them away from their families. You learn to deal with eating alone. I remember eating dinner in a bar in Stockholm. Surprisingly, not many people in that bar spoke English. Thank God for the hockey game on TV! The commentary was not in English, but at least I could follow what was happening! (For the record, Sweden is a great country with wonderful people!). If you know you are going to eat alone, bring a book to read, or work to do, or a pen and paper and do some writing. Failing that, you can always watch other people!
Second, when you’re feeling lonely, find something of interest to you and go do it! Turn on a TV show you like. Watch a movie that you find entertaining whether it makes you laugh, smile or inspires you. You can also take a walk, or a hike in nature. You can go to a sporting event, art gallery, museum, or concert. Turn your loneliness into “me time” instead but make sure to get out and do something that enriches you in some way rather than staying home or in your hotel room staring at the walls or a screen.
Do you ever show up to an event with a room full of people and feel even more lonely than you would if you were by yourself? I’ve been in many rooms with people that I’ve wanted to spend time with and talk to, but the music is blaring to the point where you cannot have a productive conversation and connect with them. In these cases, I either try to stick it out, or I’ll leave and try to catch up with them later in a more positive environment for me.
Thirdly, think about it! How many times have people invited you to attend things and you’ve turned them down? Sometimes, we contribute to our own loneliness by not saying “yes” when we could have. If you say “no” on a regular basis, you might be building your own wall with that person. Post divorce, someone told me to try to say “yes” to every invitation. This led to mixed results in terms of return on financial and time investment, but it made for some great stories and experiences, and let the people who invited me know that I valued them and appreciated their invitation.
There are a lot of great comments and quotes around loneliness and being alone. I want to start with a couple of examples, one from Steve Jobs and the other from Ruby Dhal, a British-Afghan poet.
A quick side note about Steve Jobs. I actually met him once, so I have a story about that meeting, but it’s quite a bit different from my Jane Goodall meeting. One of the best jobs I ever had was with a company called Sun Microsystems. One of the best things about Sun was that they had a group of guys that liked to play ice hockey, so almost every Saturday, we would lace them up and shoot the biscuit. What was great was that you had a range of employees from the CEO, Scott McNealy, to other members of the executive team, to salespeople, to engineers, and people on the factory floor. It was quite a mix and a great network to help you get your job done more efficiently. One day, I got a call from Scott McNealy’s office asking me to meet Steve Jobs in the main lobby and escort him to a strategy meeting in the building. This is when Steve was working for NEXT Computers which I believe Sun Microsystems acquired. So, there I am waiting out in front of the building looking for Steve Jobs. A few minutes later, there he was looking at a sheet of paper somewhat confused as to whether or not he was in the right place. I called out to him, and I could see his relief that he no longer had to figure out where to go. (I guess I solved a lonely moment for him!) I introduced myself, shook his hand, gave him his security badge, and told him that I would be taking him into the meeting room. He thanked me as we walked into the building. I thanked him for being the subject of a college business paper that I got an “A” on which gave him a laugh. I opened the door to the conference room and said good-bye. That is my Steve Jobs story, but here is something very powerful that he wrote:
STEVE JOBS
In other eyes, my life is the essence of success, but aside from my work, I have little joy. And in the end, wealth is just a fact of life to which I am accustomed. At this moment, lying on the bed, sick and remembering all my life, I realize that all my recognition and wealth that I have is meaningless in the face of imminent death.
If the house we live in is 300 square meters, or 3,000 square meters – the loneliness is the same. Your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. Whether you’re flying first class, or economy class – if the plane crashes, you crash with it. So, I hope you understand that when you have friends, family or someone to talk to – this is true happiness.
“When you have friends, family or someone to talk to – this is true happiness.” Let that simmer for a bit. Who in your life do you consider to be a friend? Who is in that innermost Concentric Circle of relationships that we’ve discussed before?
Now, let’s move on to a passage by Ruby Dhal that I have condensed the full passage down a bit, but I recommend Googling it for the full context:
“Be brave enough to be alone.
And by alone, I mean not depending on someone else for your happiness, I mean dreaming of a future where your goals rely on you, and only you, to achieve them.
By alone, I mean strolling down a beach with the sand between your feet and hugging yourself as the wind brushes against your arms,
I mean taking yourself on a date to your favourite café with a book and a coffee and watching the sun rise and fall back down again, feeling nothing but comfort in that moment.
Be brave enough to love yourself.
…
Be brave enough to be there for yourself.
…
Be brave enough to become the right person for yourself, because if you’re brave enough to do what’s right for your heart, then I promise you – you will never feel lonely when you’re alone.”
Some additional quotes to examine on the subject of being alone versus loneliness. We’re going to go a little deeper here than we usually do.
“Every day, think as you wake up, ‘Today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it.’”
The Dalai Lama
I think having this type of attitude can help us minimize our loneliness. Positive affirmations can reinforce our belonging in this world and in specific situations.
“The farther one gets into the wilderness, the greater is the attraction of its lonely freedom.”
Theodore Roosevelt
This is the dual edge sword of being alone versus being lonely. If I take a walk deep into a forest because I enjoy nature, that is the “lonely freedom” that President Roosevelt mentions, but I’m not lonely. I’m enjoying the experience. And maybe enough to invite someone to come with me the next time!
“Someone told me the other day that he felt bad for single people because they are lonely all the time. I told him that’s not true. I’m single and I don’t feel lonely. I take myself out to eat, I buy myself clothes. I have great times by myself. Once you know how to take care of yourself, company becomes an option and not a necessity.”
- Keanu Reeves
I think what is profound here is the self-confidence in the statement, “Once you know how to take care of yourself, company becomes an option and not a necessity.”
“When you’re born into a world where you don’t fit in; it is because you were born to create a new one.”
Unknown
We’ve all been in situations where we feel like we don’t belong. This quote goes to my statements about taking action. If you don’t fit into a place, maybe it’s because you’re supposed to be building a new place!
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
- Unknown
This goes back to my discussion of how we present ourselves to people in our lives as it pertains to being alone or lonely. Do we say “yes” enough to invitations, or do our frequent “no” answers cause people to build a wall or create distance with us? Does it help us to get the next invitation if we do not make ourselves available to others when asked to join them? Sometimes our loneliness is self-inflicted.
“Be so confident in who you are that you’re willing to eat alone, sleep alone, do the inner healing work, and flourish without approval.
And whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, remind yourself how far you have come. You are always stronger than you think you are.”
Unknown
When you are in a state of loneliness, you will often doubt yourself, or question your abilities or accomplishments. It is important to remember that you have talents and unique gifts to share with the world. Share them! The way to build friendships is by finding common bonds or interests around which you can share time together.
“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.”
Hafiz
I know of several people where I’ve told them that I wish they could see themselves through my eyes. We are often our own worst critics. This self-criticism can often lead to that loneliness spiral into the quicksand. I need to get better at remembering the advice that I tell others, and use my own advice and medicine on myself.
“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!”
Franklin D. Roosevelt
I will take the opportunity to throw out a Tom-ism here given FDR’s quote about hanging on to a knot in a rope. Sometimes people are at the end of their rope and run out of knots if they feel alone.
TOM-ISM: “You never know when you might be the last knot on someone’s rope.”
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone.”
Robin Williams
I love Robin Williams. He made me laugh a lot. He made others laugh a lot. But he was hurting deep inside and no one knew. No one suspected. There were (are) times where I feel like maybe I have a little or a lot of what Robin Williams had. I think we all do at some point in our lives. This is why I keep saying that it is important to reach out to people and let them know that they matter, particularly around the tougher days for lonely people, the holidays, birthdays, maybe anniversaries of the deaths of their loved ones. We are all fighting internal battles and we all need reminders of the fact that we matter in this world. Let people know how important they are to you and that they matter.
“Sometimes God puts you in places Alone, because He needs you to realize you do NOT need Anybody but HIM!”
Unknown
If you have faith, then this quote is self-explanatory. When you are feeling lonely, maybe it’s time to LOOK UP and talk to your creator.
It is an important distinction to understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is a strength. It helps us to understand ourselves better. It can help us build a stronger relationship with our Creator. It helps us examine our hopes, our dreams, our needs, and our boundaries. It helps us to become the right person for others and for us to understand who the right people are for ourselves.
LOOK UP! Pray for the lonely, the sick, and the dying.
LOOK AROUND! Who in your concentric circles of relationships might need you to throw them a rope to help pull them out of their quicksand? Let them know that they matter.
LOOK AHEAD! Who do you want on the journey with you? Invite them to join you! Say “yes” to them if they invite you!
And remember, you’re never alone. There are people out there who care about you. And there are mental health resources available should you need them. You matter!
I LOVE YOU GUYS!
PEACE!